The Law of Vanity Metrics – Glossier dashboards, hollower truths.
John once asked why the numbers looked too good. The Optimizer explained, “Perception drives confidence.” The Boss nodded; confidence was the only deliverable that month.
The dashboard turned green. The project stayed red.
From The Footnote Archives
- An initiative declared “green” because the colour calmed leadership.
- Charts grew prettier as results grew thinner.
- Someone renamed failure as pipeline opportunity.
- The data never lied — it was merely interpreted into submission.
Found in a Q3 review deck
Slide 7: “Customer Engagement Up 340%”
(Footnote in 6pt font: Metric redefined to include email opens.)
(Footnote in 6pt font: Metric redefined to include email opens.)
Slide 12: “Efficiency Gains Achieved”
(Previous baseline quietly adjusted downward.)
Slide 18: “Strategic Realignment Complete”
(Translation: We cancelled the thing that wasn’t working.)
Johnny closed the file:
If truth hurts morale, it gets rebranded.
#NaturalLawsOfBullshit #VanityMetric #MetricsMadness
Meet John’s Colleagues. They are here (& almost everywhere).
Disclaimer: The Footnote is a satire — an observation, not an accusation. If it feels uncomfortably accurate, that’s just coincidence. You’re simply not important enough to be targeted.
